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Àâòîğ: Ëîíäîí Äæåê
Íàèìåíîâàíèå: Èñòîğèÿ, ğàññêàçàííàÿ â ïàëàòå äëÿ ñëàáîóìíûõ
Äæåê ËÎÍÄÎÍ
ÈÑÒÎĞÈß, ĞÀÑÑÊÀÇÀÍÍÀß Â ÏÀËÀÒÅ ÄËß ÑËÀÁÎÓÌÍÛÕ
Ğàññêàç
Ïåğåâîä ñ àíãëèéñêîãî Í. Áóäàâåé è İ. Øàõîâîé
ß? Íåò, ÿ íå ñóìàñøåäøèé. ß çäåñü çà àññèñòåíòà. Ïğîñòî íå çíàş, ÷òî
äåëàëè áû áåç ìåíÿ ìèññ Êåëñè è ìèññ Äæîíñ. Â ıòîé ïàëàòå äâàäöàòü ïÿòü
ñëàáîóìíûõ, ñàìûõ òÿæåëûõ, êàêèå òîëüêî ìîãóò áûòü. Êòî áû èõ âñåõ êîğìèë,
åñëè áû íå ÿ? Ìíå íğàâèòñÿ êîğìèòü ñëàáîóìíûõ. Îíè íå äîñòàâëÿşò íèêàêèõ
õëîïîò. Äà îíè è íå ìîãóò. Ó âñåõ ó íèõ ÷òî-íèáóäü íå â ïîğÿäêå ñ ğóêàìè
èëè íîãàìè, è îíè íå óìåşò ãîâîğèòü. Îíè î÷åíü ïëîõè. À ÿ ìîãó õîäèòü,
ğàçãîâàğèâàòü è äåëàòü âñå, ÷òî óãîäíî. Ñî ñëàáîóìíûìè íàäî îáğàùàòüñÿ
î÷åíü îñòîğîæíî, è íå ñëåäóåò êîğìèòü èõ ñëèøêîì áûñòğî. À íå òî îíè
ïîäàâÿòñÿ. Ìèññ Äæîíñ ãîâîğèò, ÷òî ÿ â ıòîì áîëüøîé çíàòîê. Êàæäûé ğàç,
êîãäà â ïğèşò ïğèõîäèò íîâàÿ íÿíÿ, ÿ ó÷ó åå, êàê ıòî äåëàòü. Âîò óæ
ñìåõó-òî áûâàåò, êîãäà íîâåíüêàÿ íà÷èíàåò èõ êîğìèòü! Îíà êîğìèò èõ òàê
ìåäëåííî è îñòîğîæíî, ÷òî, ïîêà óñïåâàåò çàïèõíóòü èì â ğîò çàâòğàê,
ïîäõîäèò âğåìÿ óæèíà. Òîãäà ÿ íà÷èíàş ó÷èòü åå, âåäü ÿ áîëüøîé çíàòîê.
Äîêòîğ Äàëğèìïë òîæå ïîäòâåğæäàåò ıòî, à óæ åìó ëè íå çíàòü. Ñëàáîóìíûé
ìîæåò åñòü âäâîå áûñòğåå, åñëè óìåşò ê íåìó ïîäîéòè.
Ìåíÿ çîâóò Òîì. Ìíå äâàäöàòü âîñåìü ëåò. Â íàøåì çàâåäåíèè ìåíÿ âñå
çíàşò. Âåäü ıòî ñïåöèàëüíîå çàâåäåíèå. Îíî íàõîäèòñÿ â øòàòå Êàëèôîğíèÿ, è
èì çàïğàâëÿşò ìåñòíûå ïîëèòèêàíû. Äà, äà, ÿ çíàş. ß æèâó òóò óæå î÷åíü
äàâíî. Ìíå âñå äîâåğÿşò. Ìíå òî è äåëî äàşò êàêèå-íèáóäü ïîğó÷åíèÿ, è ÿ
áåãàş ïî âñåìó äîìó, åñëè, êîíå÷íî, íå çàíÿò ñî ñëàáîóìíûìè. ß èõ î÷åíü
ëşáëş. Êîãäà ÿ ñ íèìè, òî ëèøíèé ğàç óáåæäàşñü â òîì, êàêîå ñ÷àñòüå, ÷òî
ñàì ÿ íå ñëàáîóìíûé.
Ìíå íğàâèòñÿ çäåñü, â íàøåì äîìå. À çà åãî ñòåíàìè íå íğàâèòñÿ. ß óæå
ïîáûâàë òàì îäíàæäû è âåğíóëñÿ, è ìåíÿ âçÿëè îáğàòíî. ß ëşáëş æèòü äîìà, à
ëó÷øåãî äîìà, ÷åì ıòîò, íå ñûùåøü. È íà ñëàáîóìíîãî ÿ íå ïîõîæ, âåäü
ïğàâäà? İòî æå âèäíî ñ ïåğâîãî âçãëÿäà. ß àññèñòåíò. À äëÿ òğîíóòîãî ıòî
÷òî-íèáóäü äà çíà÷èò. ×òî òàêîå òğîíóòûé? Äà âåäü ıòî æå íåíîğìàëüíûé! ß
äóìàë, âû çíàåòå. Ìû âñå çäåñü òğîíóòûå.
Íî ÿ òğîíóòûé âûñøåãî ğàçğÿäà. Äîêòîğ Äàëğèìïë äàæå ãîâîğèò, ÷òî ÿ
ñëèøêîì óìåí äëÿ íàøåãî çàâåäåíèÿ, íî ÿ íèêîìó íå ğàññêàçûâàş îá ıòîì.
Ïî-ìîåìó, ó íàñ çäåñü ñîâñåì íåïëîõî. È ñî ìíîé íèêîãäà íå áûâàåò
ïğèïàäêîâ, íå òî ÷òî ñ äğóãèìè òğîíóòûìè. Âèäèòå âîí òîò äîì, çà
äåğåâüÿìè?  íåì æèâóò ïğèïàäî÷íûå âûñøåãî ğàçğÿäà. Îíè óæàñíûå çàäàâàëû,
ïîòîìó ÷òî îíè íå ïğîñòûå òğîíóòûå. Îíè íàçûâàşò ñâîé äîì êëóáîì è
óâåğÿşò, ÷òî îíè íè÷óòü íå õóæå òåõ, ÷òî æèâóò íà âîëå, ğàçâå ÷òî íåìíîãî
íåçäîğîâû. ß íå î÷åíü èõ ëşáëş. Âñåãäà íàñìåõàşòñÿ íàäî ìíîé, åñëè òîëüêî
íå êîğ÷àòñÿ â ïğèïàäêå. Íî ìíå íàïëåâàòü. Óæ ÿ-òî íå õëîïíóñü â ïğèïàäîê è
íå áóäó áèòüñÿ ãîëîâîé îá ñòåíêó. À èíîãäà îíè âäğóã íà÷èíàşò íîñèòüñÿ,
êàê ñóìàñøåäøèå, ïî êîìíàòå, ñëîâíî èùóò, ãäå áû ïğèñåñòü. Íî íå ñàäÿòñÿ.
Ïğèïàäî÷íûå íèçøåãî ğàçğÿäà îòâğàòèòåëüíû, à ïğèïàäî÷íûå âûñøåãî ğàçğÿäà
âå÷íî çàäèğàşò íîñ. ß ğàä, ÷òî ÿ íå ïğèïàäî÷íûé. Íè÷åãî â íèõ íåò
îñîáåííîãî. Òîëüêî è äåëàşò, ÷òî áîëòàşò.
Ìèññ Êåëñè óòâåğæäàåò, ÷òî ÿ òîæå ìíîãî áîëòàş. Íî ÿ ãîâîğş ğàçóìíûå
âåùè, à íè îäèí òğîíóòûé íà ıòî íå ñïîñîáåí. Äîêòîğ Äàëğèìïë ãîâîğèò, ÷òî
ó ìåíÿ äàğ êğàñíîğå÷èÿ. Äà ÿ è ñàì ıòî çíàş. Âû áû òîëüêî ïîñëóøàëè, êàê ÿ
ğàçãîâàğèâàş ñàì ñ ñîáîé èëè ñî ñëàáîóìíûìè. Èíîãäà ìíå ïğèõîäèò â ãîëîâó,
÷òî íåïëîõî áû ñòàòü ïîëèòè÷åñêèì äåÿòåëåì, äà òîëüêî î÷åíü óæ ıòî
õëîïîòíîå çàíÿòèå. Âñå îíè áîëüøèå ãîâîğóíû, íà òîì è äåğæàòñÿ.
Ñóìàñøåäøèõ â íàøåì çàâåäåíèè íåò. Âñå ïğîñòî íåìíîãî íå â ñâîåì óìå.
Ïğåçàáàâíûå ñöåíêè èíîãäà íàáëşäàåøü. Âîò ïîñëóøàéòå. Ó íàñ çäåñü åñòü
äåâèöû - ÷åëîâåê äåâÿòü - äâåíàäöàòü, è âñå èç âûñøåãî ğàçğÿäà, - èì
ïîğó÷åíî íàêğûâàòü ñòîëû ê îáåäó. Èíîãäà, óïğàâèâøèñü äî âğåìåíè, îíè
óñàæèâàşòñÿ â êğóæîê è ïğèíèìàşòñÿ áîëòàòü. À ÿ òèõîíüêî ïîäêğàäóñü ê
äâåğè è ñëóøàş. Âîò ïîòåõà-òî, ïîìåğåòü ìîæíî ñî ñìåõó. Õîòèòå çíàòü, î
÷åì îíè ãîâîğÿò? Ñíà÷àëà îíè äîëãî-äîëãî ñèäÿò è ìîë÷àò. Ïîòîì îäíà
ïğîèçíîñèò: <ııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııııı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